Thoughts running on and on in my head

I decided I need to write this down or go crazy! I have been thinking about it for a week now. Steve and Kristin are working at Camp Open Arms....I love it there...before I had my girls, I was a counselor there. I loved it. It reminded me of the kids I worked with for 10 years in the projects of downtown Columbus. It was my heart..I loved those kids. Camp Open Arms was the same for me...working with kids from hopeless situations...telling them about a Hope they can have and a Savior.

The other day, I visited there with Korie. A picture came to my head...of what it could have been like if things were different for us....Steve still leading the activities, me helping with music and being a counselor. Kristin..a counselor, like she is now...and Korie watching the Defriese kids one more year before she became a counselor, too...our whole family...two weeks of ministry together....it was like a dream.

When you have a child with a disability, that child lives on but something dies...in the parent's heart. A death of a dream...of how you always dreamed things would be. You would think that after a while, that would go away and you would settle into reality and be accepting...and...most days..that is true. Sometimes it takes lots of trust...but it's true. But then, when you least expect it....something pops in your head and reminds you...of those dreams you thought were gone...you see the kids at church her age going on mission trips, you understand you would have two more years of watching sports at Denbigh instead of being done now...I could go on. But it is useless to share everything that I think sometimes...

But then I see where God prepared me for these thoughts..He knew they would be there. He sent me to a conference just a few days before camp where He was preparing me ahead of time for answers to the questions I would have. For that I am thankful.

He told me there are ways to heal...one is to grieve your sorrow...so where before I felt guilty for even having these thoughts, I now can take comfort in the fact that I can grieve...I just can't stay there. Ungrieved losses control us...so if I don't grieve, I will become something less than His plan for me.

I also learned to embrace the reality of life. Jer. 6:14 says you can't heal a wound by denying it. Embracing reality requires courage. I don't always have that courage and I sometimes believe others think I am strong, but I know that I am not. So I need to ask for help when I need it. And I need to live every day in God's grace. He will not waste my pain and suffering. The weaker I am, the better candidate I am for God to use me. These are things He gave me to help me though this week.

He also gave me a personal message that He has not forgotten me. Sometimes I feel forgotten. I don't know if others have any idea of what our lives are like. Steve and I often talk about how we are the only ones who REALLY know. I feel sometimes I just suffer alone. I know that is self pity. And most times, I can fight it. But the days and the nights that I can't, I can know that God has not forgotten me. He is there with everything I need for life. And when I fail, I must remember that sometimes my failures can bring God the greatest joy, if I learn from them.

And the last thing I learned (He was really preparing me and I had no clue!!), was to ask myself some questions.......Am I passionate toward my responsibility? (Korie and being her mom). My responsibilty is a PRIVILAGE!! I need to be diligent in my work! Yes, it is a lot of work caring for someone and it is the same work day in and day out and I get tired and I get down...but I need to look at it as doing it for GOD. And it helps that Korie is a blessing and so loving and so grateful...in this I am so blessed. I know others in her condition who are bitter and angry and I don't have to deal with that...but if I did, I would have the grace and the help I need from Him. The other question was: Do I look beyond my discomfort and at my privilage? And lastly, do I enter my day with purposed vigor? All good questions that I have been asking myself.

SO...all that to say, God is still working on me. Some days and some situations bring pain and reminders of how things COULD be but God reminds me of how things ARE and how blessed I am.

I DO know this...no other mother in the whole world ever had a daughter who loved her more. I am above all women, blessed, to be Korie's mom. I wouldn't change that for ANYTHING.

But, I do love God and how He knows what we need and when we are going to need it. So, I will probably still have some of those thoughts come to mind here and there this next week, but I am going to ask myself those questions and try to be faithful in what He has called me to do.