A Top Ten Weekend!

I just don't think there are words to describe this past weekend! First of all, if you aren't at least one of two things, it would be hard to "get it".....one, you have be a NASCAR fan...yeah..I know...I used to think that was crazy, too! But, then Korie and Victory Junction (and the Chappells) introduced it to us. We are very thankful for NASCAR...they have given Korie a lot of purpose to her weekends...lol....and introduced us to a wonderful place that means a lot to our family. The second thing you would need to understand is what it is like to have a handicapped child and the limitations and heartache that can go with it. Now, that's not ALL that goes with it...we are most blessed..but I would be less than honest if I didn't admit there are hard moments. I could never begin to explain the hard moments (some are obvious) but to give you an example of one that isn't (not complaining..just explaining) here it is....where do most young people Korie's age sit at sports games....up in the bleachers. Korie's seating arrangements are very limiting. She has no one to sit with at games except her parents. So even going to something fun can be a bit stressful when you are 16 and have no one to sit with...this is one example....but not the purpose for this blog...but you get the idea!

So, when you see your child facing the affects of her disease AND you have to see how she functions in the "normal" world...it isn't the easiest thing in the world. And we try not to be complainers...we understand the sacrifice it would take to be Korie's friend. Soooo....when we go to a place like Victory Junction....can you even imagine the joy it is to all of us?? Maybe not...but I wanted to explain it.....so I am going to try!!

The Korie Fletcher in Newport News, our home, is a lovely young lady who seems content and loves her family (especially her momma!!) lol She is always present but always on the outskirts...happiest at home where everything is accessible and she can be with her "things" and listen to her music. The Korie Fletcher in Randleman, North Carolina, hits the ground with a smile and with confidence....the hills ( and there are big ones) are not a problem...the doors are wide enough to roll through, the activites are made for her...she can do everyone of them...she never has to be an observer...she is a participant! She is free to dance to music and laugh. She is accepted there and is expected to be a part of everything. Everyone cheers everything everyone does. She NEVER stops smiling. She LEADS when we go somewhere instead of being a few steps behind. She looks forward to events and can't wait to be a part of it.

When we were there last month, I was going by myself to the cabins to meet Steve...I walked through the tree house and when I got inside, I fell to my knee and tried to stop the tears....my heart was overwhelmed with fullness with watching her all weekend. I didn't want to go home to the real world. I didn't want to go back to Korie being an observer. But I had a thankful heart...a grateful one to the Petty family. I wanted SO bad to talk to Pattie Petty, who helped start this camp in honor of her son, whom she lost in a wreck. What a testimony she had...turning something tragic into something like THIS!!! I longed to hug her and thank her. I couldn't get my mind off of it.

When we got the invitation to return to VJ for the Annual Christmas party, we decided to go this year. We had never gone because of distance, money and Kristin and Steve's games. This year, Kris was at college, Steve did have a game but could get a substitute coach and gas prices were more reasonable. We decided to go for it.

I have to admit we were both so tired and I had second thoughts. But I prayed (so many times) that God would make this trip worth it and asked Him if we could meet the Pettys. We had great fun...Santa, gifts, making donuts and Christmas ornaments, kickball, bingo, seeing famlilies we knew and had shared with, facepainting....so much going on...the kids were having so much fun...and then, there was Kyle Petty. Korie got pictures with him and we got to tell him how thankful we were and he was so humble and so nice. We didn't know for sure if he would be there, but next, we met and had pictures with Richard Petty!! What an honor and what a wonderful man he is!

We were getting ready to head home and stopped at the Barn. We did a few things there and decided to leave. As we left, right outside the door...was Pattie...all alone!! Our family had her to ourselves! I was so thankful! I hugged her at least 3 times and tried to explain how we felt..she was so humble, she waved us off and talked about all the people who had helped them and made it possbile. She spent a lot of time with us and WE left her...she didn't leave us. As we headed toward the van, I quietly thanked God and I couldn't stop the tears...not only because of all the fun Korie had or because we met such great people, but because God is so gracious to us. He answered my prayers and He did it in such a way, that all of us were overwhelmed and happy...Korie said it best on the way home that day...."I will never forget this day!"...neither will I, Korie. Neither will I! Thank you, Father...for blessing our family.....Korie is a blessing. The many ways You show Your love and care for us makes our cups overflow with thankfulness. I love you, Lord!!

Christmas Craziness

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Christmas Fun

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What I am Thankful for/What is Important to Me in 2008

My salvation, God's Word, Steve, Kristin, Korie, my home, my parents, Steve and Tom, music, Denbigh Baptist, the ocean, Bebe and Jim, the stars at night, Ohio State Sports, email, my dishwasher, my morning bible study group, Debbie, Autumn colors, forgiveness, choir practice, Rebecca, Diet Coke, Brookyn Tabernacle, FFF, Ladies Auxiliary, Korie's laugh, Washington DC, cell phones, my nieces and nephews, grace, birthdays, Glad Tidings Circle, New York City, when my whole family in Ohio is together, Steve's grilled chicken, Highest Praise, Spring, my memories of Kristin playing sports, Don, Victory Junction, foot rubs, lighthouses, sunny days, navy jets, sunsets, Grand Illumination, talks with Kristin, geneaology research, that I knew my grandmothers and great grandmothers, Joann, sitting around a fire, sleeping in, Sunday mornings, the Outer Banks, Lila, Camp Open Arms, ferry rides, Mexican food, taking pictures, trees, chocolate chip cookies, Carol, praising Him with music, Liberty U, Casting Crowns, Facebook, Chinese food, Lilacs, nights out with Steve, Gene, Amish country, Cincinnati, concerts, the sound of waves, reading a good book, singing harmony, Korie's hugs, the sounds of the city, our Christmas ornaments, Beth Moore, English history, the libraries, Christmas eve, singing, family day at our church, and the evenings all four of us are together.

Tough Days

I have been struggling the past few days with several things...one has to do with the election and understanding why some people voted for someone like Obama but I know God is on the throne and there is no "Plan B" with Him...this is His will for us for whatever reasons...and I will eventually figure that out.

The other thing I am struggling with came about after our wonderful weekend at Victory Junction. Our family loves it there because Korie can participate in everything and we are a "normal family" there...which in this world, we are not normal and life is hard. I can deal with that...especially after this last weekend at VJ.I will try to explain...before, when attending VJ, we always went during Spina Bifida Weekend and it was a blessing as the families were like us and we could relate so perfectly with them. This past weekend, since Korie is older now, we went during Young Adult Neurological Weekend. The age was 16-24 and covered a variety of medical problems. WOW! Compared to what we saw there...we feel so blessed.

We met families whose children weren't able to communicate with them or show love, kids that were out of control and there was nothing the families could do...some were getting ready to institutionalize their children..a few because their lives would be easier and a few because they were almost beyond the point of being able to take care of their own children.During "Parent Chat", two families stuck out to me and broke my heart. As we shared about our own families, medical problems, etc, one grandmother, there with her 22 year old grandson, cried as she looked at the group of parents. She was amazed at the love shown for our children because, her son in law had left the familiy when her grandson was born...he couldn't take the stress of his son's problems...and this lady's own daughter had left the boy just a few years ago and went to California. This boy was alone in the world....his IQ wasn't low enough to get much government help and he was living in an "rest home" with older people because that was the only place she could get to take him. She was older...what would happen to this young man when she was gone...the only person in the world who cared anything about him? I can't stop thinking about them.

The other hit closer to home. This was a mom and step dad who dearly loved their daughter. Because of his job, they move all the time...they had no close family and very few friends. They could hardly get the words out...but their fear was..."who would take care of her when they were gone?" They were devestated thinking about it. They were heartbroken over the future.

It was hard for me to hear these things....Satan started his old tricks on me...making me wonder about God's goodness and the "fairness" to these children to be in their condition and how hard life can be sometimes. Oh, the battle my mind can go through, as some of these fears are my own at times. I have prayed and struggled to stay above ground the past few days and remember the trust and faith I have in God....knowing He is there and He has a plan.I had to go to Rite Aid tonight to get Korie's medicine...after a long day and a frustrating day, I wasn't too happy about it and those old thoughts starting haunting me again. I go EVERYWHERE with KLove on and God gave me a song that comforted my heart. I had never heard it before or if I had, hadn't paid attention to the words...they were like God was answering my questions...here they are.

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings,
and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end,

His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more,
we’ll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we’ll hold on to You always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel your walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you’ve walked out all alone

Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
Cause joy and peace He brings
And the beauty that’s in store
Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

I can’t wait until that day
where the very One I’ve lived for always
will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery
this is why this is why I sing….

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more,
we’ll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day, He’ll wipe away the tears,
He’ll wipe away the tears,
He’ll wipe away the tears…..there will be a day

Me again...I am sure I will have days I struggle again...but the truths of His word, can give all of us strength to keep going...even when things seem so difficult. I can't wait until all these trials are over and Jesus makes EVERYTHING right.

Learning from Your Daughter

Well, a precious young lady at my church informed me that I need to write on my blog more...so in honor of her, I write this story...one that I need to tell anyway.

Korie had seen her Neurologist and bloodwork was ordered. Having your blood drawn isn't fun for anyone, but especially Korie. Her veins are so tiny that it is almost impossible to "stick" her successfully. Every technician always thinks they are the ONE person who can do it and we usually have quite a traumatic experience before someone in the office is successful.

This visit was no different. We gave the first lady two tries and she called in another woman for help. Korie had been very patient and brave. Three vials of blood were suppose to be drawn and so far, not even one was halfway filled after the second try. While the new technician was sticking Korie in a very tender place near her wrist, I heard Korie "saying" something to herself under her breath. I leaned down and asked her what she was saying. She answered, " I am singing 'Number 8' on my favorite CD."

I smiled because she always refers to songs by their number on the cds. I helped her remember a little of the chorus but I wasn't sure exactly what all the words were. So, when I got home, I looked them up. I was amazed....here is the chorus:

I know You're there, I know You see me
You're the air I breathe
You are the ground beneath me
I know You're there, I know You hear me
I can find you anywhere

I know You're there
I know You're there, You're there.

WOW! All I could think was that when I go through difficult times, one of my first thoughts is "Why me? Why did God allow this to happen?" From my daughter, I learned my first thought should be "God, I know You're there!" TRUST! Simple trust. I am blessed.

A Surprise

I love the Olympics. I even watched it when I was little and had dreams of being a swimmer! I loved the water. Even when my kids were little, I watched the Olympics and one of my fondest memories is of Kristin watching the gymnastics and trying to perform the routines in front of the television. It was so funny and we have it on video. She was a riot. As she got older, she was my Olympic watching buddy. So, when she went to college during these 2008 Olympics, that was just another reason to be a little sad.

But, God had a nice surprise for me....someone else in our household is an Olympic fan and I never knew it!! My Korie!! She loves it so much, she watches it on channel 25 during the day...she watches water polo, canoeing, badmitton, you name it...and she comes out and gives me reports. She is up with me till the end during Prime Time and we cheer the US on together. It has been a nice surprise and I have really enjoyed it. I think God knew I needed that...and Korie probably did as well. So, tonight we will watch Michael Phelps tie Mark Spitz record (yes, I watched Mark get those 7 medals...why do you think I wanted to swim in the Olympics??) and we will watch the first night of track and field. We will cheer together and give high fives.....and life will go on and it will still be good!!

I didn't write about our visit to the Melting Pot...it was such a good evening...I don't think I will ever forget how much fun we all had! We had never been before and they bring out pots of cheeses for appetizers and then a dip for meats and veggies and 2 pots of chocolate for desserts...it was so good! But I think that the best part was that the whole process took 2 hours and it was fun to sit and talk and laugh as we ate.

On the way home, we decided to go watch the sunset at the end of Denbigh Blvd. Not only was the sky beautiful but the weather was perfect. There were some boats coming in a little boy trying to catch tadpoles and some fishermen on the deck....a lovely evening. We took pictures of each other and just sat and took it all in....not only what was going on around us, but what was going on IN us....we know our days of the simple pleasures are ending as FOUR of us. Our experiences will be different but I hope we take joy in sharing with each other and making the times we ARE together more special. God has been good to us as a family. We have been through a lot together and we have survived through HIM. It has made us stronger and made us closer. We are blessed.

Five Days and Counting

I have decided to write on this blog more often but we will see how it goes. Today, I got to sleep in, which felt really good. I may go the doctor tomorrow as I am suspecting a sinus infection. I worked on washing Kristin's clothes up so we can start packing tomorrow. Can you believe that! Packing! For her to leave....



Steve and I went out and ate lunch together and saw Swing Vote, which was good. Kristin spent the afternoon with Korie...as kind of a "last time out" together before she leaves. She took Korie to therapy, went to the mall for lunch and shopped a little bit. Korie enjoyed it.



Back to Kris leaving....I wish she could spend every minute she has left here with us but she has all these "last things" to do with others. And those things are good but I am getting really selfish with our time but trying to understand that I would do the same things if I were her. Tonight is her last time at youth group and I am sure they will do something afterwards.



Tomorrow night we are going out as a family to the Melting Pot. That will be fun and I am looking forward to it.



Twice during the last week, I have been with friends and their very young children. It has brought enjoyment to see them interact with their kids and be around them. But both times, I couldn't help be a little jealous of the time they still have with their kids. Years stretching ahead and special moments to share. Sometimes I wish I had those years again...there are a lot of things I would do different. But again, would I? I admit the years when Kris was small were difficult with all we were going through with Korie. I often feel I didn't do that great job at the beginning of Kristin's life because I could hardly function just to get through a day myself. I am having to trust on God, to pick up on where we let her down and for Him to sustain her...and us, too...as we say goodbye in a few short days.



So, even though tears are right behind the surface, I hug her tight every night, knowing there are very few nights left where I can actually touch her and tell her good night.

Thoughts running on and on in my head

I decided I need to write this down or go crazy! I have been thinking about it for a week now. Steve and Kristin are working at Camp Open Arms....I love it there...before I had my girls, I was a counselor there. I loved it. It reminded me of the kids I worked with for 10 years in the projects of downtown Columbus. It was my heart..I loved those kids. Camp Open Arms was the same for me...working with kids from hopeless situations...telling them about a Hope they can have and a Savior.

The other day, I visited there with Korie. A picture came to my head...of what it could have been like if things were different for us....Steve still leading the activities, me helping with music and being a counselor. Kristin..a counselor, like she is now...and Korie watching the Defriese kids one more year before she became a counselor, too...our whole family...two weeks of ministry together....it was like a dream.

When you have a child with a disability, that child lives on but something dies...in the parent's heart. A death of a dream...of how you always dreamed things would be. You would think that after a while, that would go away and you would settle into reality and be accepting...and...most days..that is true. Sometimes it takes lots of trust...but it's true. But then, when you least expect it....something pops in your head and reminds you...of those dreams you thought were gone...you see the kids at church her age going on mission trips, you understand you would have two more years of watching sports at Denbigh instead of being done now...I could go on. But it is useless to share everything that I think sometimes...

But then I see where God prepared me for these thoughts..He knew they would be there. He sent me to a conference just a few days before camp where He was preparing me ahead of time for answers to the questions I would have. For that I am thankful.

He told me there are ways to heal...one is to grieve your sorrow...so where before I felt guilty for even having these thoughts, I now can take comfort in the fact that I can grieve...I just can't stay there. Ungrieved losses control us...so if I don't grieve, I will become something less than His plan for me.

I also learned to embrace the reality of life. Jer. 6:14 says you can't heal a wound by denying it. Embracing reality requires courage. I don't always have that courage and I sometimes believe others think I am strong, but I know that I am not. So I need to ask for help when I need it. And I need to live every day in God's grace. He will not waste my pain and suffering. The weaker I am, the better candidate I am for God to use me. These are things He gave me to help me though this week.

He also gave me a personal message that He has not forgotten me. Sometimes I feel forgotten. I don't know if others have any idea of what our lives are like. Steve and I often talk about how we are the only ones who REALLY know. I feel sometimes I just suffer alone. I know that is self pity. And most times, I can fight it. But the days and the nights that I can't, I can know that God has not forgotten me. He is there with everything I need for life. And when I fail, I must remember that sometimes my failures can bring God the greatest joy, if I learn from them.

And the last thing I learned (He was really preparing me and I had no clue!!), was to ask myself some questions.......Am I passionate toward my responsibility? (Korie and being her mom). My responsibilty is a PRIVILAGE!! I need to be diligent in my work! Yes, it is a lot of work caring for someone and it is the same work day in and day out and I get tired and I get down...but I need to look at it as doing it for GOD. And it helps that Korie is a blessing and so loving and so grateful...in this I am so blessed. I know others in her condition who are bitter and angry and I don't have to deal with that...but if I did, I would have the grace and the help I need from Him. The other question was: Do I look beyond my discomfort and at my privilage? And lastly, do I enter my day with purposed vigor? All good questions that I have been asking myself.

SO...all that to say, God is still working on me. Some days and some situations bring pain and reminders of how things COULD be but God reminds me of how things ARE and how blessed I am.

I DO know this...no other mother in the whole world ever had a daughter who loved her more. I am above all women, blessed, to be Korie's mom. I wouldn't change that for ANYTHING.

But, I do love God and how He knows what we need and when we are going to need it. So, I will probably still have some of those thoughts come to mind here and there this next week, but I am going to ask myself those questions and try to be faithful in what He has called me to do.

It Must Be Grace...Awesome words to a song

How could One, One such as You be longing for me?
What would I, I have to give that You'd ever need?
Why, no matter how far I run, do You pursue me?
Why, when I fall time after time do You still love me?
What could make You love me?

I, I don't understand what it is You see in the heart of someone like me
When I let You down but You still believe
And prove Your love time and again and again
All I can say is it must be grace.

You know me, my wretched heart longs to be free
You heal me with only a touch, how can that be?
Tears falling like rain on this dry and weary soul
Flooding my heart with a love that will never let go.

I, I don't understand what it is You see in the heart of someone like me
When I let You down but You still believe
And prove Your love time and again and again
All I can say is it must be grace

You're so holy and offer to me...grace.

My daughter is a graduate

Wow. It was hard to even write that! I was sad all the way up to that day. In fact, I have been downright teary eyed during Kristin's entire senior year. But, I did fine on the actual day. I decided that I was going to enjoy each moment and I was actually able to do that. I had prayed weeks in advance that her graduation would be something really special to us. Something that we would always remember. I asked God to look upon that day with favor. And He did! He answered my prayer.

We were able to share it with family. We all enjoyed being together and working together. They were a great help during our party and everyone just had fun being together. God also blessed us with GREAT weather. I had prayed specifically about this. We had a sunny, 70 degree day with no humidity, blue skies and fluffly clouds. It made a wonderful day for a party in our backyard. The coverings we put up and the green grass and blooming roses, were the perfect backdrop for a get together.

We had a good time with Eman's family. We went to each other's parties and we able to share in the great relationship that Kristin and Emmnanuel have had in the past 2 years.

My favorite thing about this weekend...I guess one of my favorites..there were so many, was Kristin getting Miss Denbigh. I would have been fine if she hadn't. In fact, I didn't even expect it. She is a great girl and she has tried hard to be a friend to all and not get into the drama and to serve God during her high school days. For her to be recognized for her good character and love for God, was a blessing to this mom's heart! I was overjoyed.

There have been many times, that I wish I could start over in raising Kristin. Most of her early years were difficult because of all our family was going through with Korie, her disabilites and 15 surgeries. I often felt like Kristin didn't get the attention from me that she should have. Those days were dark days. I know I was often scared and just not where I needed to be as a mom. I have carried this guilt with me for many years.

It is good to know that God blessed my intentions and blessed what efforts I made into her life. That is totally Him and not me. I failed in many ways. It is good to know that many people were a part of who Kristin is today. I can think of so many who were a part of her life and in being so, were a part of her gaining this wonderful recognition. I know I will fail to mention the names of all who were a part...so I will just be general and say that those who influenced her were: her sister, who taught Kristin compassion and love, her extended family who didn't judge her but loved her, her teachers, who taught her there was more to life than learning, her coaches, who taught her there was more to life than winning and how to not work --as an individual--but as a team. There was also her friends, whom she picked and picked well, her Pastor, her Sunday School teachers and youth workers who taught her how that God is the center of her life, and various family friends who gave her the chance to minister, to challenge her and to encourage her. She is a blessed young lady.

Now, she is done with high school. Here is what I will miss about her being in school: Riding into school with her dad, seeing her bring the ball down the court and shooting a runner, setting the ball to her teammates, her kneeling in front of her bed doing her homework (she had a desk but that's what she did!), talking on her cell phone at night, seeing her uniform drying on a hanger, seeing her with her friends, hearing her sing in choir, listening to her laugh when with her teammates, sitting with Eman in chapel, and just being around.

I am happy she is going to college. I will miss her. I know things will be different now. I enjoy some aspects of this. I like seeing her work and make money on her own, I like seeing her on the phone trying to make plans with friends and seeing in her in her bedroom. I know all this is about to change. She will make new friends, sleep in another bed, call ME on the phone because she is not here.

But that is the circle of life. It was done before I had children, and it will continue. And so, I will determine again to enjoy each moment and pray that God will give me strength for each season of life. I hope Kristin has a good life, one that pleases God and one that counts for eternity.

Yes, this was a big weekend! One for the memory books! I loved it. It was good!

Last Normal Day?

Well, today may seem like any other day, but it really isn't. Today is Wednesday, May 21, 2008. Everyone woke up this morning and got ready for school. Korie went to Gildersleeve and Steve and Kristin to Denbigh Baptist. It was only a half day, so already the day is different.

But what really makes this day different from any others, is that is is our LAST normal day. Tomorrow, we will wake up and go to the same places one more time but family from Ohio will start arriving. So the four of us won't be alone again. Then, on Friday, Kristin will graduate and leave high school. Things won't be the same after that. Kris will be working this summer and leaving for Lynchburg in August, Steve will be going to DBCS alone and not coaching. Korie will be going to high school. We will have a new normal.

It won't be a bad normal, but it won't be what we have had for the past 13 years. So today was the last "normal" day. From here on out, life will be different..it will be new...it will be good...but it won't be today. Today is over in a few hours and as the sun goes down, so does this chapter in our lives. So, I am holding on tight and enjoying the weekend. Holding on to each moment and storing it somewhere so I can pull it out again and remember.......

Kristin's Senior Year in Pictures

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Senior Night (pics by Wes Poole)