My Sister's Keeper

I read some things today in a book....the movie "My Sister's Keeper" hit a little too close to home and so I bought the book to read. Korie doesn't have a terminal illness, although, it is a very chronic and dangerous illness with many unknowns in it. We live in uncertainity just as this family in the movie did...wondering if their child would live or die. I have been told twice that Korie was dying and both times, God determined different. I also have another child who has lived through very difficult times with her sisters illnesses and watching the siblings in this movie, made me think of how well Kristin handles things in our family. I also see in her eyes, how dread and fear can enter so quickly, as it can with me. And ocassionally she will offer a comment that causes me to realize that there is a lot there under the surface lying dormat. I hope that in her journeys, she comes to rely on the Lord to help her through those times and that she can live in confidence and trust that we are all in God's Hands.

Saying that, doesn't mean that I live like that every day. Most times, yes...but in a split second, I can fall. I am improving though...the first time, when all this happened, I didn't get up for two years....I don't want to say that I am SO much better now because I certainly don't want to be tested in that...but I feel like my faith has strengthened over the years and I hope I can keep trusting Him.

This family in the book, the Fitzgeralds, don't seem to be believers, so in much of the book, I can see how I would react a little differently but I must admit, as much as I did not like the mom (Sara) in the movie, I am relating to her in the book. Here is the statement she made that borders close to how I can feel...and I am sure I will be blogging more of them....

"Driving home, I am struck by the sudden thought that the world is inflatable--trees and grass and houses ready to collapse with the single prick of a pin. I have the sense that if I veer the car to the left, through the picket fence and the Little Tykes playgroud, it will bounce us back like a rubber bumper."

Of course, as I christian, we say that God has everything in His hands and and that the things of this life ARE temporal but our lives are eternal. That is the sad part. So many people don't realize that. But, when you are hit with a serious illness in your family, thoughts like this pop into your head. And Sara is right, life, as you know it, can be gone tomorrow....or even today.

Reading Anna's part (the sister), I think of Kristin and how she grew up...Ann says, "My parents tried to make things normal, but that's a relative term. The truth is, I was never really a kid. To be honest, neither were Kate and Jesse.....we have been too busy looking over our shoulders to run headlong into growing up. You know how most little kids think they're like cartoon characters-if an anvil drops on their heads they can peel themselves off the sidewalk and keep going? Well, I never once believed that. How could I, when we practically set a place for Death at the dinner table? Kate has acute promyelocytic leukemia. Acutally, that is not quite true, right now she doesn't have it, but it's hibernating under her skin like a bear, until it decides to roar again.....(she mentioned a different set of medical words here..different than OUR medical words but Kris knows them)...these words are a part of my vocabulary, even though I'll never find them on any SAT."

Anna's thoughts make me wonder what kind of things go through Kristin's head that she has never shared with us. Also, Anna has insight to the things Sara does or says...it makes me wonder if Kristin has that about me. Of course, Kristin is not a pin cushion as Anna is in this book, so maybe they don't even relate to each other but it sure does make me think.

One more thing....this is long but this scene has "played out" in our house numerous times...a little differently but the same....Anna is seeing her mother try on party dresses in her room...."Mom, you look...., tired. The word bubbles right under my lips. My mother goes perfectly still, and I wonder if I've said it without meaning to. She holds up a hand, shushing me, her ear cocked to the open doorway..."Did you hear that?"
Hear what?
Kate
I didn't hear anything.
But she doesn't take my word for it, because when it comes to Kate she doesn't take anybody's word for it. She marches upstairs and open up our bedroom door to find my sister hysterical on her bed, and just like that the world collapses again. My father, a closet astronomer, has tried to explain black holes to me, how they are so heavy they absorb everything, even light, right into their center. Moments like this are the same kind of vacuum; no matter what you cling to, you wind up being sucked in. (I will skip all the part about Kate being fine...she was just upset about a TV show but what Anna just said is so true)....She continues...."The fist inside me relaxes, now that I know it's all right. Normal, in our house, is like a blanket too short for a bed....sometimes it covers you just fine, and at other times it leaves you cold and shaking; and worst of all, you never know which of the two it's going to be. I sit down on the end of Kate's bed...."

That is it....the uncertainty...that is the hardest thing of all...the not knowing if today you will face something life altering or life threatening. The blanket analogy is good...I do feel that way often...but in reality, the blanket of God is always there to warm me and comfort me if I turn to it. I may have to face something tragic someday...maybe something not even related to Korie...we all do...but the blanket will always be waiting for me if I accept it.....and I can cling to Him in whatever I have to face....I also rely on the blanket of prayer of my dear friends and hope to be the same for them. We are all touched by our own testings and trials. We all need each other. We can't always understand what the other is going through. Maybe a few words on a blog will help. Thanks for listening...I am sure I will have more to say about the Fitzgeralds.

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." Romans 8:15